Lost Empathy

When I was a Forum operator or Sysop on CompuServe, before Al Gore invented the Internet, the sysops would discuss how to best maintain civility in our forums when the members seemed to be losing it. One thing we all noted was that for some people, it was very easy to forget that there were people on the other side of their computer screen. Many of us experienced it ourselves and learned to stop and read what we wrote before we hit "POST". It was a loss of empathy. A failure to recognize the emotional effect we could or would have on people reading those words.

Empathy is easier face to face, where the play of emotions is easier read in a persons facial expressions and body language. Where the effect of words can often be seen, and even ameliorated before much damage is done. But online, that is lost. And we often recognize the loss and try to restore it with "emoticons" or other symbolic expressions of feeling. But it's not the same.

Now think about what this does to children. The ages of 3-9 are where empathy is developed. Children learn very early on how what others do and say affect them, but at age 3 or so, their world begins to expand. and when children start interacting with other children and adults, they learn how what they do and say affects others. It is the time when children make friends. More importantly, it is when they learn how to make friends.

But more and more, that interaction is being replaced with inanimate things—computers, e-tablets, smartphones—that get between people and insulate them from that face to face contact that is needed to develop and reinforce empathy. Video games are perhaps the worst. The characters are not real. They don't die, you can't hurt them. And if they hurt you, you can make them go away. And then bring them back and start over.

But it doesn't work that way in real life. There are no reboots or extra lives. You get one chance at getting it right the first time. Every chance after that has a history. And if you can't empathize, if you can't feel what the other person is feeling, if you can't recognize what you are doing to another person, your chances of getting it right that first time are poor at best.

It is no wonder that some kids grow up feeling despised, rejected, cast out. They probably are. Having never learned how not to hurt others feelings, they are probably not very nice people to be around. So they are despised, rejected, cast out. When the only feelings that matter are your own, it is easy to be a self-centered narcissist. It is easy to see others as objects to be used and played with for your won amusement. And if they don't let you do that, it is easy to decide to  just make them go away.

The rise in autism, Asperger's and ADD, (which some believe to be on the same spectrum) may play a role in this as a cause or effect or a bit of both. Isolation breeds mental instability, and Autism and Asperger's can be self isolating. 

Do guns have anything to do with this? Well, they can make it easier to make others go away. But other things will suffice. Elliot Rodger, the 22 yo who killed 6 people in Isla Vista, CA because he felt rejected perhaps fits this profile of a non-empathic. He shot 3 people to death, but he first killed 3 others with a knife and a hammer, and he injured several with his car. I don't think it mattered much to him what he used. Based on what he said, it seems he was more afraid police would find out what he planned to do, not what he was going to do it with.

But children are smart. They learn from adults whether adults teach them intentionally or not. One thing children learn is that many adults are afraid of guns, and most parents are fearful for their children's safety. If you are an outcast wanting to get back at society for whatever reason, the adults have already taught you that the best way is to use a gun, and attack their children. They will notice you...finally.